jokes

[sylhet]

> >>>>Male procedures.
> >>>>================
> >>>>1.Drive up to the cash machine
> >>>>2.Lower the car window
> >>>>3.Insert card into machine and enter PIN
> >>>>4.Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
> >>>>5.Retrieve card, cash and receipt
> >>>>6.Raise window
> >>>>7.Drive off
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>Female procedures.
> >>>>==================
> >>>>1.Drive up to the cash machine
> >>>>2.Reverse back to align car window to the machine
> >>>>3.Restart the stalled engine
> >>>>4.Lower the window
> >>>>5.Find handbag, empty contents on to passenger seat and locate card
> >>>>6.Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear-view mirror
> >>>>7.Replace contents of the handbag
> >>>>8.Attempt to insert card into machine
> >>>>9.Open car door to reach machine due to excessive distance from car
> >>>>10.Insert card
> >>>>11.Re-insert card the right way up
> >>>>12.Re-enter handbag to locate diary with PIN on inside back page
> >>>>13.Enter PIN
> >>>>14.Press cancel and re-enter the correct PIN
> >>>>15.Enter amount of cash required
> >>>>16.Re-check make-up in rear-view mirror
> >>>>17.Retrieve cash and receipt
> >>>>18.Empty handbag again, locate purse, place cash and receipt inside
> >>>>19.Drive forward two metres
> >>>>20.Reverse back to cash machine
> >>>>21.Retrieve card
> >>>>22.Re-empty handbag, locate card-holder, place card in slot provided
> >>>>23.Re-check make-up before attempting to move off again
> >>>>24.Restart stalled engine and pull away
> >>>>25.Drive for three to four miles
> >>>>26.Release hand-brake
> >>>>
> >>>>Well done...YOU DID IT.......

Due to the new "drive-thru" cash-machines, the following
updated procedures have
been
drawn up for males.
===================
1.Drive up to the cash machine
2.Make sure everyones seen your BMW by turning the
Bollywood music up even louder
3.Wind down the tinted window and wolf whistle at the first
kuri you see walking by (even someones fat auntie, oops!)
4.Flick out your scratched up card from the glove
compartment with mcdonalds fish and sauces all over it
and insert it into the machine
5.Call your mummy on your latest of the latest mobile phone
and say 'roti pakao mein aa riyan'
6.Now enter your pin whilst still on the phone discussing
the saalun thats cooked
7.Withdraw enough cash to cover petrol costs for tomorrow's
cruising, wolf whistling, dum duma dum blasting
8.Collect cash, receipt and card whilst still on the
phone-now to your mate sat next to you in your car
9.Check again that everyones seen you and wind up your
window before driving off with a tyre spin
10.Get to the end of the road before turning your dum duma
dum down a bit, hanging up the phone to your mate beside
you and returning back to 'check that kuri out man'

> >>
> >>>>Due to the new "drive-thru" cash-machines, following procedures have
> >>>>been
> >>>>drawn up:
> >>
> >>
> >>

[sylhet]

Comparisions Of Life

The family picture is on His desk - Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on Her desk - Um, her family will come before her
career.

His desk is cluttered - He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
Her desk is cluttered - She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain.

He is talking with his coworkers - He must be discussing the latest deal.
She is talking with her coworkers - She must be gossiping.

He's not in the office - He's meeting a customer.
She's not in the office - She must be out shopping.

He's having lunch with the boss - He's on his way up.
She's having lunch with the boss - They must be having an affair.

The boss criticized Him - He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticized Her - She'll be very upset.

He got an unfair deal - Did he get angry?
She got an unfair deal - Did she cry?

He's getting married - He'll get more settled.
She's getting married - She'll get pregnant and leave.

He's having a baby - He'll need a raise.
She's having a baby - She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.

He's going on a business trip - It's good for his career.
She's going on a business trip - What does her husband say?

He's leaving for a better job - He knows how to recognize a good
opportunity.
She's leaving for a better job - Women are not dependable.


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a
$2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love
him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot &
try never to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women
somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A
man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she
does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

A GREAT QUOTE
"It takes a minute to have
a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to
love someone-but it takes a lifetime to forget someone."

[sylhet]

DIET RULES
>>
>> 1. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories
>>
>>2. When drinking a diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the diet Coke cancels out the sugar in the chocolate bar.
>>
>> 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
>>
>>4. Food used for medical purposes do not count (e.g. hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka).
>>
>>5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.
>>
>> 6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and are not counted as food intake. This includes: Popcorn, Maltezers, Coke, Ice cream.
>>
>>7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage.
>>
>>8. Foods licked from spoons, knives and forks have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.
>>
>>9. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.
>>
>>10. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate.
>>
>>11. REMEMBER: 'STRESSED' spelt backwards is 'DESSERTS'.

[sylhet]

I sense anxiety in the air! Good luck with all your exams!
A little song to bring a smile to your face!
---------------------------------------------
At first I was afraid, I was petrified!
kept thinking I could never pass with no revision guide,
But then I spent so many nights, getting all the questions wrong,
And I grew strong,
And I learned I could scrape along,

I won't look back, to any place,
When I can get completely off my face,
I would have revised by the clock,
I would have had no spare time free,
If I'd thought for just one second my exams would bother me,

So all my notes, are on the floor,
Don't even matter... that there's no rock night anymore...
Weren't you the one who tried to get me to revise?
You think I'd crumble? You think I'd work towards the skies?

Oh no, not I!
I won't revise!
Unless I die of curry stains, I know I'll stay alive,
Though my money's at an end,
I've my overdraft to spend,
I won't revise,
I won't revise!!

It took all the strength I had, not to act the part,
But in the end my real revision didn't even start.
I used to sit at home at night, feeling guilty to myself,
I used to try, but now I hold my head up high,

And you see me! Somebody new!
I'm not that mixed up wierd bloke who wants a good 2:2
So if you feel like dropping in, chances are that I'll be free,
Coz I've done sod all revision, and I'm failing my degree,

Oh no, not I!
I won't revise,
I think that I may scrape a third, but I could be telling lies!
Let the lecturers all storm,
My bed's far too nice and warm,
I won't revise,
I won't revise,
oh dear!!

[sylhet]

>> RESIGNATION
>>
>>I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have
>>decided I would like to accept the
>>responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
>>
>>I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
>>
>>I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with
>>rocks.
>>
>>I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
>>
>>I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my
>>friends on a hot summer's day.
>>
>>I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were
>>colors, multiplication tables, and nursery
>> rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you
>>didn't know and you didn't care.
>>
>>All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all
>>the things that should make you
>>worried or upset.
>>
>>I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
>>
>>I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the
>>complexities of life and be overly excited by
>> the little things again.
>>
>>I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer
>>crashes, mountains of paperwork,
>>depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money
>>in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness,
>>and loss of loved ones.
>>
>>I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth,
>>justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind,
>>and making angels in the snow.
>>
>>So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my
>>401K statements. I am officially
>>resigning from adulthood.
>>
>> And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first,
>>cause........
>>
>> ......ìTag! You're it.ì

[sylhet]

SIMPLE VS REAL

A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays
late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a
fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!

Pass this on to anyone you care about....
if you get it back you have found your true friends!

A ball is a circle, No beginning, no end.
It keeps us together, Like our Circle of Friends,
But the treasure inside for you to see
Is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me.

Today I pass the friendship ball to you.
Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you.....

[sylhet]

>> The following is something to make us stop and think.
>>
>> Take this quiz:
>>
>> 1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
>> 2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
>> 3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
>> 4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
>> 5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and
>>actress.
>> 6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
>>
>> How did you do?
>>
>> The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
>> These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.
>> But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.
>> Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
>>
>> Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
>>
>> 1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
>> 2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
>> 3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
>> 4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
>> 5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
>> 6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
>>
>> Easier? The lesson?
>>
>> The people who make a difference in your life are not
>> the ones with the most credentials, the most money,
>> or the most awards. They are the ones that care.
>>
>> Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life.