marriage issues

[Rupali_r]

Hi people
Heesham thanks for your compliment and have to say found your comments towards Sylhet very appropriate and realistic!

Sabina how about you tell us a bit about your views this time, everyone seems to think you’re ready for marriage!! lol. Personally from reading your entry I couldn’t find any genuine evidence to back that up
But hey if it is true…let us in on all the glory details won’t you? It would be nice to hear from someone with first hand experience.

Love you all lots
Rup

[Ahad]

Hello people, sorry i did not respond to this interesting discussionas I haven't yet read what has been written befire. This might be slightly off the issue but I think that it is still quite relevant.

Firstly I strongly believe that most Bangladeshi parents want the best, and I mean the best for their sons and there daughters. Arrangede marriages being an institution that unites two extended families provides an opportunity for parents to look at historical evidence/details about the familys background from both sides.

Parents also consider 'compatibility' between couples, although I will agree that the bride or the bridegroom is not consulted enough. People tend to usually find someone who is from similar backgrounds with similar levels of intellect, values, wealth, etc.

Where I sometimes worry is for thosed families who take their sons and daughters to bangladesh and start demanding, motorcycles for boys, taka 5 Lak in the account for girls etc. This is wrong and usually is common by the father of the bride. Women is not a comody and as a result she should not be given a price tag.

I was enquiring for a 'Londoni' wife for my cousin in 1995, the uncle of the girl turned round and said, 5 acres of Land, 15 bori of Gold and Taka 3 Lakh. I accepted the land and the Gold and then told him that would he be OK if I found someone else who is prepared to pay Taka 5 Lakh. he wasn't happy with it, and didn't see the importance of compatability, happiness, etc. He was thgere to make some money for himself.

Last year I was in bangladesh and I had peole saying that they would be able to assure that I will get a liteace (van), your usual TV, Video, Fridge, etc.

Two of my brothers got married in Bnagladesh and none of them accepted Motorbikes, as they wanted a wife with principles and value, rather than a top of the range motorbike being used as a 'sale policy' to make the bride more attractive to potential husbands.

The only way we can stop this tradition or this system which leaves a lot of families in bangladesh borrowing more than they can afford, being forced to sell their land so that thgey can provide a chance of his/her daughter/son to have the opportunity of a better and happier lifestyle is by changing it at a local level. What I mean is by not allowing your own families to get involved in this scam.

I have touched on some very sensitive issues, and I know few families who have made a good living by 'selling' their daughters for £10 000 to a visitor, or Taka 5-6 Lak to some educated bloke in bangladesh.

Here in Oldham in the last two years, we have had one murder and one cuicide as a result of expensive marriages.

One girl was murdered by the husband who was a cop in Bnamgladesh as she had lots of liberal values and was still mixing with boys. Another bloke who was representing Bangladesh in Martial Arts in the UK, married a 16/17 year old, paid £10 000, it wasn't compatible, on two occassions he tried taking his life, on the third time he tried killing his wife, then he committed suicide in Jail as he couldn't show his face to his family and friends in bangladesh.

Wait for your thoughts.

AA

[Sabina]

[This message has been edited by Sabina (edited 16 April 2000).]

[Sabina]

Everytime I read a new message I feel, in some sense, acknowledged.

Rupali, I really can't say everything at the moment in relation to my position, but I will say something.

I would like to say is, if I marry someone I want to share my thoughts and experiences with that person. I want him to understand me. I must admit my verbal Bengali isn't as great as those people, in Bangladesh. Therefore, if I were to marry someone from back home 'communication' would be a major problem. I don't want to change my entire life due to him. I want to continue doing the usual, to some extent of course, for example - going to the cinema, continue with studies, work. I would like to enjoy my married life and not feel like it is a burden, that I have to force myself to do for other peoples sake.

Norms and values change. Society is evolving. Somebody mentioned to look back at our parents' generation. However, people's attitudes have changed. If I marry someone I'd expect them to also do the household chores, make their own cup of tea, not simply become the breadwinner(by working in a restaurant). I wouldn't want a family straight away, I would want to treasure the moments of a husband-wife relationship, do some travelling etc. I have witnessed myself, how much a child can change the family, not for the worse - never, but in some sense there is change in attitude, responsibilities etc, which is good.

My kind of understanding would be totally different to someone from back home due to our social upbringing etc. When I mention Mariah Carey's latest album, I would expect them to know who Mariah Carey is!

I don't know if some of you are thinking that I can change him, or improve him in some sense, but I do think of that possibility. However, if they lack the experiences and knowledge right from the beginning, then it would mean starting from scratch!

My mum understands me, however, it's my dad, uncles and other men in the extended family who lack the understanding.

There are lots more things I could say however, I would only put you all to sleep, as well as finding it difficult to express myself.

I just want you all to know that these are my personal views - please don't start criticising me!!!!!!!!!

[aff]

Sorry guys, this topic has tempted me away from the books.....must say something.....the force is to great, its pulling me in.....lol.

First of all I would like to say hello to Sabina, welcome to the site..enjoy.

It is a mere fact of life for some of us bangladeshi's that we have parents..(usually the father) who are passionate to perserve our traditions and cultural believes involving marriage.
It seems that some of our parents..('our' is not literal meaning) have taken their cultural belives..or what they think is culture to another level (no, I am not talking about the pop band..lol)..that is arrange marriages to an extreme.....where the daughter/son may not have a say, and where money has the meaning..'yes' u can have my daughter for that price....

Arrange marriages involves a final say by the son or daughter..not the parents themselves..(i know this is not as easy as it is said) if this was the case, then i believe that there is a lack of trust and understanding from the parents towards their son/daughter....
Showing that u can be responsible i.e have a full time job, or are a commited student, illustrating your faith, or little things such as going to the shops for your parents, or baby sitting for your parents ...all built an important weapon againts extreme arranged marriages...that is trust....(heesham mentioned something like this earlier)
Without trust its hard to have your say.......

Some people that i know have seemed to miss the point about arrange marriages...they say 'fareh na'(spelling?) when u oppose certain issues involved in arranged marriages.....to those who cant make out what i have just written..(coz i cant either)
it means..its against our religion.....
Is it against our religion to say no i dont want to marry him/her.....?
Hence they are a perfect example of people who are mixing traditional believes and religion.......
Do not get me wronge, i am not saying that the concept of arrange marriages is wronge, coz they seem to last longer then love marriages and it can be used to be religously correct to some extent...for example..let your parents go out and do the scouting and not yourself as looking for love can be extremely dangerous which usually
ends up in a disaster.

I hope things go your way sabina.....and it all works out....try to have the last word when it comes to making a decision on the rest of your life.......

Hey to ahad, Khadijah, farhana, butterfly, rupali, amir.....(the msn guys)..and to anyone else i forgot.....hope your all doing well.

Take care.
aff.

[Neeka_NG]

Hi Peoples,

I'm new at this site! I would just like to say that if u don't want to go to Banladesh talk to your parents. See whats on their mind maybe they will support what u have to say. Give it a try!

[Ahad]

Asian Marriages, remember the three 'A's
1. ADAPTABILITY of both parties
2. ACCEPTING rights and responsibilities
3. ADJUSTING to change in the new family envirinment.

Asian Marriages is not about two people getting togeter, it is about uniting two extended families into enjoying better times ahead.

If you stick to the three 'A's and people marry someone of similar level of intelect (education) and interest, then they should be able to accept the three 'A's.

Remember Western marriages 50% end up in divorce where as Asian marriages is about 5% (1 in 20).

Sabina good luck to you dear and please make sure you give your Mr Right some Rights as well as him having all the responsiblities of spending the rest of his life with you.

Hope it works out between the two of you and make sure that he knows what he is getting himself into.

If you base the marriage contract around Islam (The Quran and the Sunnah of the propeht (pbuh)) both of you will have an enjoyable and exciting life.

Good luck with your hunting

AA