JOKES FOR FUN

[LoveBird]

Be sure to read to the end.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him
and never say its not quite as good as his mothers


...then buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...


...then buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about cricket, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies


...then buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores


..then buy a dog !
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care
if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if
every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
you unconditionally, perpetually ..

...then buy a dog.
BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only
comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness .,
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...then buy a cat!

Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN ! tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a

HIS terectomy
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?

Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day..
Send this to all the men just to annoy 'em


"Dont Frown, Coz U Never Know

Who Is Falling In LOVE With UR SMILE"

[LoveBird]

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell
phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin
engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a
hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and
shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took
off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the
valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the
hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,'
he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So,
what you're telling me, is . .. you're NOT my flight instructor?'

[LoveBird]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm
sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and
picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands
it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just
happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The
owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great,
I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man
is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the
blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him
coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your breast before I
take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the
fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready
and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the
fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

[LoveBird]

Little David, who was Jewish, was failing math. His parents tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, and nothing helped. As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic school. "Those nuns are tough" they said.

David was soon enrolled at St. Mary's. After school on the very first day David ran through the door and straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello. He started studying furiously, books and papers spread out over his room.

Right after dinner he ran upstairs without mentioning TV and hit the books harder than before. His parents were amazed. This behavior continued for weeks until report card day arrived. David quietly laid the envelope on the table and went to his room. With great trepidation his mother opened the report. David had earned an A in math!

She ran up to his room, threw her arms around him and asked, "David
honey, how did this happen? Was it the nuns? "No," said David.
"On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around".

[LoveBird]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

*

*

*

"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"

Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, could be very much within us..!

[LoveBird]

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,

'Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.' She says,

'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, 'Where the hell are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,
I'm getting a tetanus shot.'

[LoveBird]

PROBLEMS OF OLD PEOPLE

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this sealed jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was extremely shocked! 'Wait, wait a minute. You, you asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, but none of us could ever get the damn jar open.'