JOKES FOR FUN

[LoveBird]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?


Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:






If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


Then:


H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%






and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


But,


A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


And,


B-U-L-L- S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.


A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%


So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!

[LoveBird]

A little
boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .











Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00






When


The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.




The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.






The
president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.






The little boy was
delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:







Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through


Washington, DC., and they deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[LoveBird]

Scientific Finds

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Japanese scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

Six weeks later, American scientists dug 200 meters, after which headline stories in US papers read: " US scientists have found traces of 2000 year- old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Japanese".

After just one week, Philippine media reported the following: "After digging to a depth of 500 meters, Filipino scientists have found absolutely nothing. Their conclusion is that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology".

[LoveBird]

When I got back from New York last week

I had a bunch of American dollars I needed to exchange,

So I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...

An Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunna dolla fo yen.

Today I get hunna eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[LoveBird]

The Old Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and a lawyer, both of whom were members of his church, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments but they were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

[LoveBird]

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and
make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out
of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the
doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't
need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car
in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to
pee.

[LoveBird]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.


"Oh! Killing any?"
she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer bottle,


2 were on the phone.